What to do when things are complicated.
Have you ever felt overwhelmed by a situation you're facing, either because you just don’t know what the best thing to do is, or because you can visualize conflicting costs and benefits to any choice you make?
This can apply to practical problems - such as whether or not to move or stay in a certain job, or to emotional ones - such as whether to address an issue in a relationship or to avoid the conversation to keep the peace.
What we usually do…
In coaching sessions I often witness clients struggling to mentally process complicated strings of cause and effect - trying to weigh and predict the possible outcomes of any action, including consequences they can’t know or control (such as what someone else’s reaction might be, where the job market will be in the future and so on…). This is natural - the mind hates uncertainty - it wants to be able to weigh the data and predict the future.
In a coaching session, this results in people spending a lot of time presenting a complex equation with endless data points, in the hopes of mentally processing the information and coming to the ‘correct’ conclusion, or hoping I can do that for them.
However, as you’ve probably already experienced, this rarely works - particularly in a situation with an emotional aspect to it (and really, don’t they all?). The main reason for this is that in almost every situation, there is no ‘right’ answer - but there is will be an answer that is right for you.
So how do you find that?
Well, it’s not through mental processing. Powerful as the brain is, it can’t predict the future, and it can actually only process about 50 bits of data per second, while the body processes about 11 million. Wild I know…
This is why, when clients walk me through a maze of possible cause and effect, I’ll listen to understand the problem, stare in wonder at the sprawling labyrinth in front of us, and then ignore it completely.
The more complex the problem, the more simplicity we need.
Therefore, I ask:
Can you tell me some things that are true for you right now?
Only things that you can say for sure are true.
An example might be… “My mother is going through a really rough time for the last while now that she’s on her own, and she really leans on me, more than my brothers. I know things are hard for her, but she’s coming over again this week - she calls me up and invites herself over - she doesn’t ask - she tells, and I can see my husband rolling his eyes - it really is affecting him too - and the kids - we need a quiet Friday evening after the mentalness of the week. But she’s on her own now and there is a serious issue with a piece of property in the family. My sister lives there but she doesn’t take any responsibility for any of this, and my mother’s really attached to it, and I do feel responsible and there really could be financial consequences for her if I don’t sort it out…” and so on.
This is a genuinely complex problem, practically and emotionally.
Breaking this down together, some things we could identify as true:
My mother has a pattern of behaviour.
I don’t like it.
It affects my family.
I feel tired.
I get resentful.
I feel guilty about feeling resentful.
She has a different values to me in this.
I know it comes from her upbringing.
I love her and I don’t want to hurt her feelings.
I can’t control her behaviour.
I can maybe do something about mine…
And so on.
Nothing about this practise changes the actual situation, however it changes our perspective. Instead of focussing on strategies, complaints, worries, projections or shoulds - which don’t get us anywhere - we’re now looking at the emotional truth of the situation, which just might lead somewhere.
There is something calming about simply naming our emotions, with as much accuracy as we can. This is a skill in itself and can take practice if we’ve been conditioned to rely solely on mental processing, and ignore the intelligence of emotion, intuition, and the body (Hello westerners).
However, research shows that even this simple step - sometimes called “name and tame” - contributes to emotional regulation, and with more regulation, we’re more likely to make better decisions.
Working through this process - whereby we focus on simple emotional truths - tends to give some clarity, and often helps us to decide what, if anything, to do next.
In the above example, the core issue would be around boundaries, which can be very touchy, especially with family. This individual might decide on ways to become less available, even occasionally, or she might decide to keep her head down and tough it out for a period of time. Either way, she will hopefully see the situation more clearly, and at the very least acknowledge the emotional toll it’s taking on her.
If she does decide to raise the subject with her mother, a simple truth such as “Mum I know this is important but I’m really shattered after this week - I can’t meet up this evening” will probably get better results that some of the shadier strategies we employ when we don’t really know how to face a charged situation, such as lying, avoidance, or endless endurance that eventually and inevitably leads to burnout.
How to do this yourself
First, identify a situation in your life that is causing you to feel confused, conflicted or stuck - one that feels complex or intractable.
Next, write down the moving parts, or the consequences that you believe might result from any action that you take. Eg. “If I tell my boss I want to leave, then…”
Then, ask yourself - what is true for me right now, in this situation? Write down the answers - the simpler the better. So if the situation feels overwhelming, your first point might be - “I feel overwhelmed”. Only write down things that you can say for sure are true for you - no speculation, projection or imagining. Simple facts are good, using ‘I’ statements where possible - eg. “I don’t enjoy this job anymore”.
The intention behind this exercise is mainly to gain some clarity, and to soothe the emotions somewhat. In reviewing what you’ve written, you can ask yourself if you want to share any of it with anyone involved, and if you want to take any action. You may not - sometimes just getting clearer in your own mind helps.
Sharing statements that are true for you will create more chance of being listened to. There’s a big difference between “Why don’t you just say if something’s bothering you?” and “I find it difficult to talk to you about some things because I’m worried I’ll hurt your feelings”.
In taking the time to work through what’s true for you, there’s less chance of feeling regret about any actions you do take, because you know you were speaking or acting honestly, with the information you had at the time. Even if the outcome isn’t what you hoped, you can at least stand over your own words and actions, and try to find, in the words of Philip Larkin:
Words at once true and kind,
Or not untrue and not unkind.
