What NOT to do...
What do I need to let go of?
Most of us, when we think about personal growth, tend to picture what we need to do or change in order to create the life we want. We consider beliefs we need to build, or habits to form, or practices to follow.
This is all true - a lot of the challenges we face require new behaviours.
However, something we can easily overlook is: what do I need to stop doing in order to grow?
For example, say you’re struggling with money. There’s plenty of guidance out there about how to begin to deal with it, starting with just taking stock of where you’re at right now - a first step that can be scary enough in and of itself. There is plenty of advice on budgeting, saving, planning, investing, building new mindsets and so on…
What we can overlook is the mental, emotional and physical baggage we may need to let go of in order to make any real change. Often, we’re unconsciously dragging an old, sad story along with us, repeating the same sentences internally day after day after day. It’s one thing to build a new saving habit. It’s another thing to begin to release the identity of someone who has labeled themselves unlucky, or incapable, or, bad with money. And it’s a whole other thing to even begin to be aware of the conditioning our culture creates, with beliefs such as “money is the root of all evil” swirling around.
Personally, a habit that I consciously dropped is commenting, reading about or even internally judging anyone’s physique. Despite being conditioned to do this all my life, I came to the realisation that this is both a patriarchal bloodsport that I don’t actually agree with, and also, outside of my own health, none of my damn business.
Letting go of limiting beliefs
No matter what it is that we’re working towards, a good question to ask is:
What would I do, and how would I behave, if I knew for sure that I was going to get what I want?
When we allow ourselves to imagine having something we really want - an ideal job, home, relationship, family - whatever it is - our mind will instantly present us with logical-sounding reasons why we can’t have it. When I ask a client to tell me something they really, really, really want, they sometimes struggle to even identify something, and if they do, the next word out of their mouth is ‘but’. “I’d love an apartment here, but I’ll never be able to afford this area”, for example.
Asking what I’d do and how I’d feel if I knew I’d get it forces us to bypass this conditioned voice.
None of this deletes reality. We all have genuine constraints in our present. There are varying degrees of very real privilege, resources and opportunity to factor in. However, the entire point of coaching or any type of healing or growth work is to enlarge what's available to us - to make more possible. And simply put, there are two levers to this: one is starting to do new things, one is stopping doing old things.
The ‘Not to do’ list
We’re familiar with the concept of a To do list, and even with some of its limitations. However I recently came across the concept of a ‘Not to do’ list, with some pretty insightful advice on practical things we could all do less of - reading the news in the middle of deep work, or checking emails first thing in the morning, for example.
When it comes to our internal lives, a Not to do list is just as important. What do I need to stop doing in order to feel happier? Alongside a positive step I’m trying to build, like say going to the gym, could I just stop criticising my body, or reading articles judging others’ figures, or joining in jokes about weight? Could I just give it up cold turkey?
Could I stop caring about what certain people think, if I see they’re just not in my corner? Could I just give up worrying about something that nags me, if I can see that it’s never materialised, or that the worry has never changed anything about it? Could I simply accept whatever learning there is in mistakes I’ve made and leave the guilt behind? Can I simply stop answering questions that violate a boundary I have?
Like so much in coaching, this falls into the category of simple, but not easy. To find out what you could stop doing in order to achieve something you want, ask yourself the following questions:
First of all, identify something you’d like to change, and write it down.
Now ask yourself - thinking about this issue:
What stories am I telling myself about this situation?
Where did this story come from? Who started it?
What is my identity around this? Eg, when it comes to this issue, I am…
Is this identity really true, or if it was true in the past, is it still?
What’s one thought pattern, habit or behaviour I could STOP doing to help me move towards what I want?
How can I bring awareness to this? Can I think back over my day and notice it? Can I ask someone to help me with it? Can I avoid situations that bring this out in me?
What will I do instead, whenever I see this old pattern come up?
To climb a mountain, we’d want to train our body as best we can, but we’d also want to drop any dead weight we didn’t need to carry. It’s worth considering we’re carrying baggage we don’t need any more, and how much easier our progress might be without it.
Dropping a negative habit doesn't have to be that difficult or complicated. When asked “How can we drop negativity, as you suggest?” Eckhardt Tolle says":
“By dropping it. How do you drop a piece of hot coal you are holding in your hand? How do you drop some heavy and useless burden that you are carrying? By recognising that you don't want to suffer the pain or carry the burden anymore, and then letting go of it.”
