What do you want? Avoid doing what’s next to it.
A common pitfall to avoid when going for what you want.
“Have you ever wanted something so badly you were afraid to even try?”
- Mel Robbins
However difficult it might be to actually get what you want - whether that’s a particular qualification, job, relationship or anything else - not even going for it is a much bigger danger. When we’re trying to decide on and go after what we want, one serious trap to avoid is going for something similar to it.
What do I mean by that?
It can be deeply tempting to go for something that is adjacent to what you want. Not what you really want, but something similar, one step removed.
What’s an example of this?
An example would be training to be a veterinary nurse, when you actually want to be a vet. Or studying marketing when you really want to go to art college. Or becoming a doctor when you actually want to be a nurse.
Recently, I was chatting with someone I’d just met, and we got talking about a course she was planning on taking in digital marketing, an area I’m familiar with from my background in design. She struck me as a creative person, and I asked her a little about her interests, and whether she enjoyed analytics and the technicalities involved in digital marketing, or if she was more drawn to the creative side. She said the creative, and that she’d studied journalism in her home country, but she was worried that as she doesn't have a network here in Dublin, she wouldn't be able to work in a more creative field.
I shared with her that from my experience, a network can be built quickly enough, and there is always plenty of opportunity in the field for anyone who works to develop their talents, builds necessary creative skills, and can get along with others. I told her this, and encouraged her to simply go for what she genuinely wants to do. If, on balance, that turns out to be digital marketing, then great. However, if what she truly wants is something that is related, but feels more intimidating, it’s still worth going for it. I’ve had this conversation many times in mentoring students interested in creative careers, who have been discouraged, by themselves or others, because of perceived dangers that I know from experience are largely unfounded.
What I do know for sure is that choosing a course or career path because it seems more safe or sensible, but is not what we genuinely want, is a bigger danger. In doing that, we create a debt that will come due some day. It could be ten years down the line, but eventually we’ll end up right back at square one - asking ourselves “What do I actually WANT?”. And while I fully believe that whenever we get to that point - whether that’s at 18 or 60 - is always a good time and always worthwhile, if we can avoid a detour down a path that’s not right for us then so much the better.
Why do we do this?
Oftentimes, defining and going for what we actually want can cause us to confront such deep fears and insecurities, that we instead set our sights on something that seems similar, but less threatening.
Simply naming what we really want, particularly if it involves a major investment of time, money and energy, can in itself feel daunting. Even more terrifying - and I believe the biggest factor - is that actually going for what we want brings up the risk of us failing at something meaningful to us, potentially publicly. That can bring up a level of vulnerability that feels excruciating, to the point where we can deny - even to ourselves - that we actually want what we want.
Our own fears can be exacerbated if what we want is not sanctioned by our family or culture. This may not amount to outright condemnation, but for example, expressing an intention to work in a caring profession in a family system that primarily values status or wealth may require considerable courage, particularly at the young age at which we first make these choices. The same is often true for any non-traditional personal or relationship choices we make, although hopefully we’re moving towards more tolerance overall, particularly as the data shows that “traditional” families make up less than 20% of the total in America, for example.
In theory, we may know it’s better for us to follow our own inclination, but in practice, as social beings we’re susceptible to influence, and it may take us years - if ever - to define and go for what we truly want.
So if we consider these risks, it can feel physiologically safer to keep a genuine aspiration a pipedream. We’ll always find reasons - many of them substantial -if we look for them, but the people who find deepest fulfilment are those who tread their path anyway, exposed to the risk of failure, but often succeeding, or at the very least moving in a direction that is meaningful to them.
Fear of failure
If we say we want something, and we’re not actively pursuing it, either:
We have a genuine, insurmountable obstacle, such as an illness or a real commitment that limits what we can currently do
We don’t actually want it, or we don’t want it anymore
Or, most commonly in my experience…
At least some part of us really does want it, but we’re immobilised by fear of failure or exposure to the point where we find reasons to not take action.
And we’ll always find reasons not to do something we’re scared of.
To me, as a coach, it’s much more dangerous to avoid, ignore or deny the things that are truly meaningful to us, even if others don’t agree or understand.
When in flow, our choices are in alignment with our innate talents and strengths, which means our curiosity and energy will flow with much less effort. The process of finding our purpose isn’t that arcane or mysterious - it’s simply aligning our actions and choices with the genuine self, and in doing that, we’ll naturally meet authentic wants and needs.
It’s important to include that genuine purpose and fulfilment also can be found in spite of an uninspiring career. If you find a source of purposeful contribution that is facilitated by a boring day job, then have at it. If your primary meaning comes from caring for others in your personal life, or voluntary work, or parenting, or from a sport, activity or creative pursuit outside of work, and you know that, then carry on. As long as we feel fulfilment, the source doesn’t matter.
If any of this resonates, what can you do?
Firstly, if you’re feeling stuck or unfulfilled, simply recognising that fact is the right place to start. As a coach, I can see that part of the process is a period of disillusionment. While this is unpleasant to experience, it’s necessary. If we didn’t feel stuck, and it didn’t get bad enough, we’d never change.
Awareness is always the first step.
It can feel overwhelming - or downright impossible - to come to momentous decisions such as “what job should I go for next?” or “do I need to go back to college?”. Start smaller. A good way to start is to take a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle and write ‘More of’ on one side, and ‘Less of’ on the other. While we might not feel capable of envisioning sweeping changes, we can always say what we’d like more of or less of - outside of any role or title. It could simply be “more autonomy”, “less commuting”, “less meetings”, “more remote work” - whatever it is, just write it down in the abstract.
If you have a sense of what you do actually want in mind, first off, acknowledge it to yourself. Simply writing it down or saying it out loud to somebody else can help. However, make sure to only share your aspirations wi people who will support you. We all have enough doubt of our own without exposing our hopes to others who will undermine them. Whether it’s a professional, or someone in your personal life, choose wisely.
Another pitfall to avoid is thinking too narrowly about what we want. Coach Mel Robbins talks about “credentialism”, or the belief that we need to be fully qualified to do the things we want to do. While this is clearly a requirement in some fields, we can often access the experiences we want without having to study or qualify, at least to the extent that we can try out a certain path. The truth is that we’re only ever really interested in anything because of the experience - the feelings we believe it will give us. A friend recently told me she’d like to study biology, but it turned out when we talked it through that what she actually wants to experience is wildlife conservation, which she can do as a volunteer.
Which brings me to the next point… experimentation. Even if we have a plan in mind, there’s no guarantee that we’ll actually enjoy the reality of it, which is where small forays into a new field can be helpful. If you’re thinking of retraining in UX, you could start with a short online course to see if you enjoy it. If you’re thinking about a move to a different area of work, a coffee with anyone you know in that field could give you valuable insight. Small, exploratory steps can be illuminating. If you find out you don’t actually like an area you thought you might, that’s ok too. It’s all research.
Which leads us to - considering any change as a process. It’s worth remembering that we cannot ‘do’ a goal. We can only do a task. There’s no one step to “become a chef”, but there are lots of individual steps in getting there, any of which we can do. We can do a google search for culinary courses starting soon, or text someone we know who works in the industry to ask them for a chat. No matter how big or small the transition, it will be a process. This can help to relieve the pressure - we don’t have to make massive moves - we can simply do whatever next small step we can think of, learn from it, and make the next one.
So to sum up…
When we’re considering what to do next, it’s worthwhile - no matter how scary - to confront the reality of what we want, avoiding the temptation to suppress our actual wishes by sidestepping into something that feels less of a risk. And if we’re asked to advise others, we need to avoid the temptation to tell them to play it safe too.
We’re all around for a good time, not a long time, and while short term avoidance might feel superficially safe, ultimately there’s no greater psychological danger than looking back at 100 and wishing we’d taken a shot at something we really wanted.
“Are you paralyzed with fear? That’s a good sign. Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. Remember one rule of thumb: the more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.”
― Steven Pressfield, The War of Art: Winning the Inner Creative Battle
