Answering the Unasked Question
One of the ironies of coaching is that often what we come to coaching for, is not what we actually need help with.
There’s nothing wrong with this - the crux of coaching is discovery. And while we expect the coach to learn about us, the truth is that the client also learns about themselves as the process unfolds.
A fascinating phenomenon in coaching or any kind of therapy is how often we open our mouth and are surprised by what comes out. Not only by what we’re saying, but by the fact that it’s true, and we didn't know it until we said it. But there is it. Freshly hatched. Undeniable. Maybe a little ugly, but true.
To me, this is the deep self speaking. Given enough time, space and permission, truths will emerge. Which can be deeply illuminating, and often liberating.
The unasked question
One way this pattern shows up in coaching is in the unasked questions of the client.
Often, we’ll ask a question - quite honestly - looking for a conventional answer. However, the question itself can be so loaded with conditioning and unexamined bias that it actually doesn’t deserve an answer.
For example, a typical question from an overstretched parent might be “How can I handle the overwhelming number of responsibilities I have?”
The simple answer is “You can’t”.
Nobody can.
The unasked questions that actually require an answer might be:
What can you jettison?
What are you afraid will happen if you don’t overstretch yourself?
Do you trust anyone else to delegate to, and if not, why not?
And, hardest of all to ask or answer,
What are you getting from this pattern of behaviour?
Harsh as it might seem, most of our behaviour is driven by some sort of reward, shadowy as it might be.
In this case, we’d want to discern which responsibilities are necessary, legitimate and unavoidable - which some will be - and which are at least to some extent optional, and then explore what’s stopping the client from extricating themselves from these?
And this of course is where it gets complicated…
This might require creating and enforcing boundaries, relinquishing control, perfectionism or a particular self-identity. All of it complex, but all worthwhile, and potentially life-changing.
Answering the original question of “How do I do it all?” with tracker apps, schedules or to-do lists will only compound an existing problem, leading to burnout. It’s our job as a coach to help extinguish the bin-fire, not to throw another task on it.
Answering the unasked question of why I feel compelled to overstretch will get us somewhere.
We can do this in any area of our lives. For a black belt example of this approach, I’d recommend therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, also a boundaries expert.
If we’re asking “How can I get healthier?” we might need to ask ourselves what we are getting from our current habits, and if there are some valid needs that we’re meeting, albeit in an unhealthy way.
If we’re asking “How can I deal with an intolerable family member?” the unasked question might be
Do I have to?
Have I told them in plain English how their behavior affects me?
Have I considered fair consequences if their behaviour doesn't change?
If we’re asking “How can I tell if the person I’m seeing is serious about me?”, once again, reality demands we ask the unanswered questions, which maybe means a toe-curling question like “I’m enjoying being with you and I’d like us to have a relationship - do you feel the same?”. Or perhaps “Why am I willing to tolerate uncertainty?”.
You see where this is going…
Remove the why
In any kind of change, the first step is to see reality as it is. In so far as any of us can, we need to look reality in its unlovely face, and accept what we see, before we can make any kind of meaningful change.
Another way to do this is to remove the ‘why’ from our questions.
Why doesn’t she call me?
Vs.
She doesn’t call me.
Why won’t he help around the house?
Vs.
He doesn’t help around the house.
Why is she dishonest with money?
Vs.
She is dishonest with money.
In each of these examples, removing the why switches the focus from the other, to the self. We can endlessly ask why someone does or doesn't do something. When we remove the why and face the behaviour as it is, it suddenly shifts the attention back to us. It gives us information, but it also gives us agency. Rather than expend mental and emotional calories on wondering why, we can observe the behaviour as is, and consider what to do about it.
A key consideration in taking on a coaching client is their ability and willingness to explore questions such as these. I mostly find that people are well up for the challenge, and surprise us both with what they discover. A powerful tool that comes from therapy but applies in any personal growth is the experiencing scale, which discerns our level of openness, and also predicts how successful a therapeutic intervention is likely to be. The scale describes 7 levels of emotional and cognitive involvement with our ongoing experience, starting at level 1, where we simply talk about events, ideas or others, moving towards the furthest end, where we engage in an exploration of our inner experience, gain awareness of previously implicit feelings & meanings, and finally at level 7 are engaged in an on-going process of in-depth self-understanding, which provides new perspectives to solve significant problems.
While it requires some courage, there is nothing more fulfilling than witnessing a client move into uncharted inner territory, surprising themselves and others with what they learn, and then, what they can do.
