How do I choose a coach?
First question: do I need one?
The following would be prerequisites to even looking.
I recognise that something significant in my life is not working.
I recognise that I have at least some agency or influence over that area.
I recognise that I have at least some responsibility in that area - it’s not all someone else’s fault. I can’t go to coaching to change someone else’s behaviour - only my own.
As an example, say my relationship is not going so great. I would first need to recognise that fact. Some of us will ignore or deny that truth. The ego is pretty imaginative in coming up with rationalisations and denials.
Next, I’d need to feel I have some ability to create change - that I have at least some willingness to try new approaches, learn more about myself, and open up to some new insight.
Finally, I’d need to feel some sense of responsibility in this situation. If I come to coaching placing all the blame onto someone else for a situation in my life, then no change is possible.
As a thought experiment, I would ask you to think of a current problem in your life. If that problem is 100% your fault, tell me what you’re doing wrong.
So, for example, take your last breakup. If that breakup was 100% your fault (I know that’s never the case, but just try to imagine) - what is it that you did wrong?
This takes us out of blame, and into responsibility. That’s not to say we excuse other’s responsibilities or bad behaviour - it simply forces us to look at what we could do differently, because that’s where coaching starts - with our own behaviour.
Ok. So we have the following:
A problem or issue, or an unmet need or goal
A sense of agency
A sense of responsibility
Next question: is a coach the right fit for what I need?
This depends on what you most need right now.
When we’re in real-time trauma or distress - such as going through a divorce, bereavement, addiction etc., then coaching would not be the place to start, simply because part of the coaching process involves growth and personal development.
If we are in the midst of a truly difficult situation, then what we need most might be rest, healing, witnessing and perhaps specialised counselling. We might need to opt out a little for a while, reducing our challenges, rather than taking on new ones. We might need time to grieve, get help or treatment, and heal. If we’re in a dangerous situation - such as an abusive relationship - our only job is to get out, which in itself could be a massive challenge.
The last thing we want to do is to place more pressure on an already stressed organism.
If however we’re doing more or less ok (insofar as anyone ever is) then we could consider coaching. This does not mean we’re doing perfectly - because again - when are any of us ever doing that? Coaching is not just the realm of ‘high achievers’, because the truth of it is that every single person - no matter how they appear from the outside - has areas of struggle.
The purpose of the kind of coaching I do is to help each person I work with genuinely move towards a more aligned, meaningful life, whatever that is for them. Often, it’s helping people when they feel lost or stuck. But in order to create change, we have to harness our internal resources - these have to be available to us. We can't create from survival mode, so we need to be sure we are ok enough - just enough - to be able for some growth.
Final question: is this coach right for me?
OK so say you have a clear issue or goal, and you feel willing and able to work on it. Now it’s time to evaluate the coaches you meet. This step is vital, even if you have a recommendation from someone you trust. The most important thing is that you feel comfortable with the person you work with. Often you’ll be able to have an intake/consultation call, and on that call, or in your first session, it’s really important to consider the following:
Do they make me feel safe? Do they make me feel seen and heard?
It’s the coach’s responsibility to make you feel safe, and to make every effort to listen and understand your reality. Are the asking questions, paying attention and remembering what you say? Are they checking in with you that they understand you fully? Or are they pasting their own stories or conventions onto your experience? You’ll recognise this is happening if you feel irritated or like you have to repeat yourself a lot to get your point across. Are they using the same words you used? There’s nothing wrong with the coach asking you to clarify, but they should be making the effort to listen closely and understand your experience as objectively as they can. Basically, do you feel like your coach is trying to become an expert in you and your life?
Do they have respect for me? Are we on the level?
The coach will lead your sessions - this simply means that the responsibility for scheduling, timing, and keeping on track is with the coach. However, this does not mean you’re in a subordinate role. You are the focus of your coaching. Ultimately, you are the best placed person to decide on what’s right for you. A coach is not a guru, mentor or authority - they are a collaborative, supportive partner who is working with you to empower you to build the life you want. If your coach’s behaviour feels bossy, manipulative or controlling, that’s a red flag. There is no point following the instructions of another person in directing your life, because what happens when they’re gone? A skilled coach will be building powerful habits, beliefs and strengths in you, so you can do that yourself, for the rest of your life.
Do they offer solutions, instructions or advice, or do they help me to find my own?
This might sound counter-intuitive, but the last thing you should be getting from your coach is advice. Unless you are specifically asking for input on a particular topic, your coach shouldn’t be giving you orders or instructions. Simply put, if you’re hearing ‘What you should do is… ‘ then your coach is not working in your best interests. This is not letting the coach off the hook - what they should be doing is exploring an issue with you, in depth - challenging you, helping you to consider blindspots, and providing perspective to empower you to make aligned choices. Afterall, it’s not the coach who is going to be out there taking action in your life - it's you. So no coercion, pressure, approval, disapproval or orders, but rather focused questions, challenges and support to help you to see your own situation with greater clarity, so you can take action out in the wild.
Can I say things here that I can’t say anywhere else?
One of the most challenging areas in any therapeutic space is allowing ourselves to say things we feel are not ok to say. This might be owning up to behaviour we’re not proud of, or acknowledging damage that someone we love has done to us. We cannot do this if we don’t feel safe. We need to know that our coach is able to listen objectively, parking any judgement or bias they might have themselves, and maintaining their respect and regard for us. We need to know that they’ll allow us to safely say difficult things, about ourselves or others, without jumping to judgement or dismissing us or others in our lives.
As coaching becomes more powerful, it can help you to gain awareness of previously implicit feelings & meanings, and move into an on-going process of in-depth self-understanding, which provides new perspectives to solve significant problems. This can only happen in a space of trust and safety. You should never, ever feel insulted, belittled, shamed or embarrassed by your coach.
How is my energy before/during/after a session?
If you’re unsure of how you feel about your coach - ask your body. It never lies. Check in with yourself - how do you feel before, during and after a session? Even if you’re covering some heavy territory, you don’t want to feel ongoing dread, fear or anxiety before coaching. In session, you shouldn’t be feeling too much irritation or fatigue. Rather, you’d hope to be feeling some relief in being listened to, optimism about your future, even in the face of significant challenges, and ideally a sense of enthusiasm to explore new territory. Coaching can be tough at times, as we confront ingrained patterns or unpleasant truths, but it should always feel productive and supportive too.
Finally: Is this worth my time, effort and money?
The litmus test is to ask yourself “Would I recommend this coach to someone I’m close to?”
The ultimate measure of your coach is - are things changing for me? Your coaching should feel worth the time, cost and effort that you put in, and if it doesn’t, you should feel free to say that, and if need be, to walk away. You shouldn't have to spend multiple sessions in ‘getting to know you’ - the coaching should be dealing with your genuine needs from the start.
Personally, I’m a ‘live by the sword, die by the sword’ kind of person, so I apply all the above criteria to my own coaching. I work with people at the deepest level possible for them. This means we’re looking at ingrained, unconscious patterns (often imposed by our culture and upbringing), at fears and limiting beliefs, as well as the deepest strengths of the true self. We don’t start with surface level goals, although we get to these as we go. My intention for coaching is to reconnect each person with their deepest, strongest self, unburdening fears and releasing resources. This takes time and effort as it’s more about cellular level growth, but you should be feeling the effect of this from the start.
Ultimately, you are the centre of your coaching. You should be able to trust in the attention, respect and accountability of your coach, and you should feel safe, supported and empowered in the process. Whether you work with me, or any other coach, it’s worth checking in with yourself, and trusting your instincts in the process.
