What problems do you want?
When I was training as a coach, our instructor pretty much banned the word ‘problem’. We were only allowed to have ‘challenges’. Maybe this is the Irish in me, but this never sat well with me! I believe it’s better to look our problems in the face - to accept them, and to deal with them as they are. Rebranding them as challenges to me feels like whitewashing, and my coaching philosophy is very much the opposite - it’s about getting at the truth, and then working with it, including the gnarly parts.
Right. So we’ll call them problems. What next?
In a coaching programme, we’ll be working to define new choices for you, based on a consciously defined plan towards something significant to you. And the truth is that any choice you make - including any you deeply, deeply want - is going to come with some problems. So when you make a choice, try to factor in the accompanying issues as part of the experience. Otherwise, the new problems that emerge alongside the new experience can cause you to unconsciously regret, reject or backtrack on progress that you do truly want.
For example, any major milestone you want to achieve - say buying your own place, or having a relationship or children, brings with it some pretty serious challenges. Anyone who’s been in a relationship can attest to this - at their best, relationships can deliver exceptional experiences, but they can also be the medium for some of life’s most brutal moments and punishing lessons.
So the key question is: what problems do you want?
You probably have given some thought to what you want, but have you factored in their accompanying difficulties?
If you want to be self-employed, do you have some tolerance for the risk, insecurity, and unpredictability that comes along with the autonomy? If you’d love to own your own company, are you ok being at the pointy end of leadership? Can you handle the responsibility, loneliness and risk of judgment?
If you say you’d like to be wealthy - have you taken the time to actually calculate what that would look like for you? Are you prepared to put in the effort to educate yourself on finance, investment, tax laws and all that fun stuff? Are you open to paying for professional help if you need it? If you want to invest, have you considered how you’ll weather the emotions that risk will bring up in you? Or how it could affect your relationships?
It’s well documented that about 70% of lotto winners lose or spend all that money in five years or less, regardless of the amount. That’s an example of this phenomenon in motion. If we receive something we say we want, but can’t or won’t deal with the predictable problems that come along with it, we will unconsciously find a way to extract ourselves from the situation. In this case, by liquidating the money, and the difficulties that come along with it.
The goal here is not to pour cold water on exciting prospects. None of the above are deal-breakers. It’s actually quite the opposite. The more we can identify the problems we will face on any given track, the better placed we will be to accept these problems, deal with them, and maybe even welcome them, with some perspective and a big dose of Tolle:
Accept — then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it
- Eckhardt Tolle
This is not to say we have to love or appreciate every moment. We don’t have to like boring, repetitive or intimidating tasks. However there is massive value in being able to say “I chose this”. I chose this consciously, and even though it’s tough I want this. This is why we often talk about values in coaching. If you are acting in alignment with your values, and you choose a path that genuinely matches your deep self, it greatly deepens the resilience you will need to stay on it.
I sometimes work with students, and when preparing for exams, we encourage the group to reconnect with why they’re doing this. I am doing this exam because I want to be a…
I have to do an exam. But I chose this, because I want this.
It’s an empowering thought. Of course there are many powerful ways to ease these problems - to automate, build systems and habits, delegate, get help… all of which we can make significant progress on. However the truth is that the problems we choose are actually more palatable to us. We may just need reminding.
So the short version is, we’ll all be given some problems we didn’t choose. But when it comes to the ones we can choose, we need to choose wisely. If we think about the options before us, and picture the problems that will come along with each choice in a clear-eyed way, is it a yes, or a no? The more we can consciously choose a path that feels right, and make peace with the challenges that come along with it, the more we can embed this new experience into our lives.
