What's your project?
There have been times when I’ve genuinely struggled to understand someone’s behaviour. I don’t mean behaviour I don’t agree with, because that can still make sense. If we take very strong selfish tendencies say, I might not particularly like that behaviour, but I can at least understand it. It will probably have an internal logic and some degree of predictability.
The real head-scratchers for me have typically been in the territory of extreme self-sabotage, irrationality, and hypocrisy, (although everyone of us has moments of those, including myself). Having trained in coaching and worked on myself, I’d now say with confidence that all behaviour makes sense, if we take the time to investigate it.
One question that has really helped me to understand behaviour that doesn’t make sense to me is to ask: “What’s their project?”
What this basically asks is: What is this person’s primary drive or goal in the context they are in?
The kicker is that oftentimes our actual project - so our primary objective - may be very different to the official project at hand.
Take for example a couple who are separating. One person could be trying their best to mediate, make fair agreements around childcare and so on, while the other could be sabotaging their own or their children’s best interests by being difficult, vindictive or adversarial, thereby ensuring that they end up with a worse outcome than if they cooperated. Why would someone spend so much energy doing something that will leave them worse off?
Well… if we look at it from this point of view, the official project is: separation and legal agreement.
However person A’s project could be:
Separating from their partner
Coming to an equitable custody agreement that’s best for their children
Person B’s project could be:
Revenge
Maintaining a victim identity
If we continue to look at the situation from person A’s perspective, person B’s behaviour will never, ever make sense, trapping us in a level of cognitive dissonance that’s hard to live with. If we ask ourselves what Person B’s actual project is, and begin to understand that it is in fact to maintain a victim identity (where they are not in reality being victimised), then suddenly their actions make more sense. It now makes sense to provoke their ex so that they actually do receive a worse outcome, as this maintains the victim status that is load-bearing to their personality, whether that’s conscious or not. If someone is committed to being a martyr at all costs, then they need to experience injustice, even at the expense of the truth. If they can’t come by injustice honestly, they can work very hard to generate some.
Other common examples might include things like teamwork, where one person’s project could simply be to complete the work required on time, while another’s could be to garner all the praise or status available, even at the expense of the outcome or the other members of the team. In the instance of illness or injury, one person’s project could be to make a swift recovery with the least impact on themselves and others, while another person’s could be to use the illness as a source of attention or significance, and will therefore be much less invested in recovery.
In each example, behaviour that might seem baffling (such as prolonging a period of illness), makes sense on some level if we recognise the objective underneath. In each example, each person would be trying to get a real need met, unhealthy or self-destructive as the approach might be. And while this doesn’t excuse damaging behaviour, it might at least explain it. While we might not like it, there is rest in learning the truth, and it’s better than burning endless emotional calories in an infinite “Buy WHY?” loop.
Naturally, all of this applies to our own behaviour as much as to anyone else’s. We all have some irrational patterns, and the ability to objectively observe our own behaviour can be the hardest of all. And still, it’s worth the effort, and I believe worth getting help where we need it. The practise here would be to try to come at a behaviour with what Buddhists refer to as “beginner's mind” - basically an open, unbiased curiosity. A useful question might be:
If I had to explain this behaviour as doing something for me - meeting some need - what would that be?
Sticking with the Buddhists (they make some solid points), they also talk about radical acceptance - that is, accepting the truth, whatever it is, rather than continuing to resist it - as the desired outcome. The question here would be: “Can I identify what the actual project is, and accept that truth, whatever it is?”. It is only in seeing and accepting the actual truth of a situation that we can begin to honestly address it.
Coach Mel Robbins lead a very insightful session with a client who said she wanted support in losing weight. With further exploration and a very open approach from the coach, the client identified that in reality, she wanted to maintain her weight, as it draws attention, and without it she’d feel insignificant and overshadowed by her husband, who has a more visible role in their community. In this instance, this person’s appearance created impact, which was meaningful to her, and not something she truthfully wanted to relinquish. So while the official project might be “weight loss”, the actual project this client was committed to was seeking significance, which is a legitimate need for us all. Given this understanding, this person can now choose to continue to have this need met in her usual way, or consider other options, but this will now be a conscious choice. The truth will set you free…
I’ll say it again: everything we do makes sense. Our own behaviours, and that of others, if we do the work to figure it out. Next time you’re faced with bewildering behaviour, take a moment to consider what the actual project might be.
The most important question anyone can ask is: What myth am I living?”
— C.G. Jung
