But not for me...
When I speak with clients in coaching, we’ll often come across universals that they believe are important for all people, but somehow don’t feel entitled to themselves.
There are plenty of things that we could agree are necessary for all of us, from fundamentals such as safety and respect, to more abstract needs such as validation or rest.
It’s blatantly clear that in reality, nowhere close to all of us get the basics, which is another important conversation. But for now, I want to focus on the more abstract things that are a little higher up a basic hierarchy of needs.
An example of this could be someone who feels that although rest, recovery or downtime are important for everyone, somehow that doesn’t apply to me. This would often correlate with a certain personality structure - if I’m very driven, I’ll most likely always have received validation for that, and a lot of my identity will be tied up in being productive. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with being productive, like everything, it has a cost, and without an offsetting of rest & recovery, that cost will accumulate. Debts become due someday.
The unconscious internal belief system would be: “Rest is important for everyone, but not for me”.
Other instances could be things like appreciation or validation, where someone can for example be genuinely generous in giving compliments, thanks or validation, but deflect it when it’s offered to them. “Everyone deserves appreciation, but it’s not for me.”
This could also apply to boundaries, where we might agree that reasonable limits are important in the abstract, but I can’t instigate or maintain them in my own family, due to reasons x, y, z. We could also experience this in dating or relationships, where we can support in theory ideas such as having standards, but don’t feel inherently worthy enough to enforce these in reality. “They’re a good idea, but not for me.”
One of my refrains about our behaviour is: everything makes sense. And the more illogical the behaviour, the more it makes sense, because the more load-bearing it is, if we can just figure out the origin.
If we try to identify something that we
agree is important and
don’t feel entitled to ourselves
…we’ll probably identify a wound or a weak point in ourselves, that deserves attention.
One thing that I’ve seen in coaching is that all roads lead to worth. If we’re denying ourselves something, it’s usually because on some level, we don’t feel we deserve it. In the example of constant productivity, somewhere in us will be a belief that we have to constantly hustle for approval, displaying to ourselves and others that we’re good, useful, beyond reproach… and therefore any behaviour that could be perceived as ‘lazy’ would feel deeply threatening to our system.
The same would apply to receiving validation, being listened to, creating fair boundaries, expressing vulnerability… if there is something in us saying “Yeah that’s important, but I can't do it”, then it’s really worth some introspection to question that belief. What is it about me that means I can’t have it?
To put it bluntly, what’s so special about you? Why are you the only person who doesn’t deserve validation, or compassion, or rest?
Ironically, whatever we deny ourselves is usually something that we deeply, deeply need. Perhaps to the point that it’s easier to go upstream, and deny we need it at all, rather than risk asking for it and being refused. The exposure involved in actually asking for what we need opens us up to risk and disappointment, often in our most vulnerable areas, if we ask and we’re not met. It does however offer us some further opportunities - firstly, to at least acknowledge a truth about ourselves, which in and of itself can be very healing to our system. Secondly, we might actually get a need met, by ourselves or others, if we can first identify and own it. And finally, there is such deep personal growth in moving towards what we have historically avoided.
So what can we do about this?
First of all, I’d suggest trying to find any instance in which you don’t feel entitled to something that you believe is important for others. To answer this, I’d ask:
What is something I want, that some voice inside me says I can’t have?
Next, try to figure out where this belief comes from.
Where in my past have I felt this before? Where might I have fused something together, such as rest and laziness, or compliments and arrogance, and do I really, really believe this is true? If it’s not true for everyone else, why is it true for me?
And finally, what am I afraid will happen if I get this?
There will be a fear there, often from long ago, and it’s really worth investigating what this is, and even if it was once true, is it true anymore?
“Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do.
Remember our rule of thumb: The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.
Resistance is experienced as fear; the degree of fear equates to the strength of Resistance. Therefore the more fear we feel about a specific enterprise, the more certain we can be that that enterprise is important to us and to the growth of our soul. That's why we feel so much Resistance. If it meant nothing to us, there'd be no Resistance.”
― Steven Pressfield, The War of Art: Winning the Inner Creative Battle
Finally, for bonus points, is there some small way in which I could risk going after something I’ve denied myself, even if it’s a 1% move? I’m a big fan of increments. They add up.
