What’s the Opposite of Perfectionism?
Most of us have got the message that describing ourselves as “a perfectionist” is not quite the flex we thought it was. The term has been problematised, and there’s a greater awareness of the costs involved, the ultimate one being burnout.
Thankfully, the key metric for success seems to be moving from “busy”, to balanced. Plenty of people are still overworking, through choice or necessity, but most of us now recognise that running ourselves into the ground is not inherently healthy or aspirational. We’re beginning to see public figures such as athletes and politicians retire or take time out, with more inclination to call it what it is - a step back from the brink of burnout.
If we get this intellectually, why do so many of us struggle to relinquish our perfectionist tendencies
Why are we perfectionistic?
Personally, I’ve been called perfectionistic, (or “fussy”, which might be closer to the truth), since I was little. For me, a lot of it is visual - I’ve always been creative and I appreciate order more for its aesthetic than its propriety. Minimalist spaces feel restful to me and allow me to focus, without the distraction of mess or clutter. There’s a fine line however - it doesn’t take much to activate my inner extremist, and find myself over-focussing about appearances of all types.
For some, the drive towards perfectionism stems from a need to feel mature, responsible, or useful. This can be influenced by factors like birth order, with eldest siblings often taking on extra responsibility, or childhood experiences where an individual was “parentified” by struggling parents, and given adult burdens that no child is able for. It may simply be due to a personality type that’s deeply aware of the world’s problems and feels compelled to address them. These individuals often feel like the only adult at a children’s party, burdened by responsibilities that others don’t seem to notice.
Another common mindset I’ve observed in coaching is what I call the “but not for me” paradigm. This involves viewing self-care, boundaries, or rest as beneficial for others, but not something that I’m entitled to. This often stems from childhood conditioning about needing to serve, achieve or contribute to be valued (a belief particularly ingrained in women). As adults, this can lead to unconscious people-pleasing, over-functioning, poor boundaries, and self-martyrdom. and a tendency to martyr oneself. The data is in on this one, and the health implications of prolonged, chronic denial of our own needs are catastrophic, so if that’s you, it's time to address those tendencies.
Bottom line…
I don’t care who you are. When someone calls us a perfectionist, all our ego hears is the “perfect” part. It’s hard for us to relinquish a trait that seems so ideal, and so superior.
So let me kick the sh*t out of it a little bit for you...
I’ve already mentioned my creative interests, which eventually lead me to art college and a career in design. Now across all artistic types, there’s nothing more beguiling than the idea of a “perfect” creation. The drive to polish visuals, refine language, and solve design problems in the most elegant way imaginable keeps most creatives up all night, quite literally. There’s nothing like a cold gush of reality - deadlines, invoicing, feedback and cost - to counter those perfectionistic leanings. Ironically, all artists work best within confines - whether that’s client demands, writing deadlines, or an exhibition date. Without these, we produce nothing.
The wheel of creative work taught me the value of the rough sketch, the sent proposal, the timeline, and the early presentation of a concept (all to the highest standard possible, but in a reasonable amount of time).
Short version: Get. It. Out.
You can polish afterwards.
What is Perfectionism to me?
Having given this a lot of thought (this is already a long article… ) I can now say that to me, perfectionism is the following:
Appealing.
It’s an INTOXICATING idea. It’s got the word “perfect” in it. I get it. I wish it was real. It’s not.
Next…
Impossible
As in, does not exist, in all creation. What’s the “perfect” job? Or animal? Or child? Or partner? When we put it this way the very idea is absurd.
Fear-based
When I first read the following definition, it slowed my roll:
“Perfectionism is an attempt to control other people’s perceptions of us.”
So it’s not just that I’m exceptionally gifted and have higher standards than everyone else?
Nope. You’re just scared of being judged and scrambling desperately to create the illusion of infallibility.
Oh…
Think about it. When you’re overworking, people-pleasing and nit-picking yourself or others, how do you feel? Don’t tell me it’s calm and self-possessed.
Expensive
How much money does “perfect” take?
All of it, if you let it. If we can’t accept good enough in any area, we'll be throwing money as well as effort into that black hole. If you’re a woman, throw patriarchal petrol on that fire and see how much you’ll spend trying to keep up with the ever-moving goalposts of what women are supposed to look like.
Relentless
There’s a mercilessness to perfectionism, no matter where it’s directed. If it’s inwards, then nothing we do is ever good enough. If it’s outwards, we’ll be condescending and judgemental to anyone who doesn't meet our impossible standards, and they’ll feel it.
Inefficient
The more time we spend perfecting in private, the less opportunity we have to receive valuable input, support and feedback from others, often critical to the outcome.
Isolating and self-fulfilling
When we tell ourselves that we alone can complete something to the standard required, we not only isolate ourselves, we also make that true. If we won’t ask or let a partner contribute to tasks at home due to their apparent incompetence, we might get cleaner countertops in the short term, but good luck with the timebomb of resentment after five years of doing it all yourself…
Anti-creative and unproductive
I've noticed with my coaching clients that the more perfectionistic they are, the less likely they are to complete assignments between sessions. It's not due to a lack of motivation, but because their standards are so punishing that they plan to do the tasks perfectly, and then end up not doing it at all because their bar is too high. A quick, honest effort has a thousand times more impact than an undone task. How many of us have ended up not even starting something from the fear it won’t be good enough?
And finally… misguided.
Most people I’ve worked with who are strongly perfectionistic will say they have much higher standards for themselves than for anyone else. On the surface, that seems generous, but let’s pull that apart…
So you, of all people, have to hold yourself to a higher standard than everyone else?
You alone are not entitled to rest, time off, mistakes, laziness or any of the vulnerabilities of humanity that the rest of us are subject to?
What’s so special about you?
So what’s the opposite?
Stop and ask yourself:
“What is the opposite of perfectionism, to me?”
For myself, and for many others, the automatic answer is something like: “rubbish”
The opposite of perfectionism is some combination of complacency, laziness, lack of care, irresponsibility, low standards and so on.
Basically, negligence.
It looks like this:
Having been through the mill with this one, I’d now say that for me, the opposite of perfectionism is:
Done.
That’s where I’ve gotten to.
The opposite of perfectionism is done. It’s finished, at least in its first draft. It’s been sent, shared, presented, or completed. It‘s been done to the best of my abilities right now, whatever they are.
Could this article be better? Yes, in a million different ways.
Is it written? Yes.
Have I given it my best shot? Also yes. Is it perfect? Nope. As a result, is it trash? I hope not…
As Brené Brown points out, there’s a difference between perfectionism and healthy striving, or high standards. You can do things really well, to the best of your abilities right now, and still allow a little flexibility in your approach.
If I was to expand on this, I’d now say that any of the following are at the opposite end of the spectrum from perfectionism for me:
See what the best answer is for you.
One of my favourite quotes from Dr. Ramani Durvasula captures the spirit of this well:
“The core of mental health is flexibility… A mentally healthy person has a lot of flexibility in their psyche.
How do we define flexibility in the psyche? I would say it's an adaptability. It is a self-awareness and awareness of others. It's the ability to engage in novel problem-solving and not get stuck on a singular solution. It’s the capacity to cope. That is the core of health. I've worked with people who have survived severe trauma. The ones who really are standing in a different way - it's that flexibility.”
I once spotted a typo in a handout I made on perfectionism. I didn’t burst into flames, as an earlier iteration of myself would have done. I redid it. I survived.
If you struggle with perfectionism, and so many of us do, try to release the grip a little. The worst thing about that is that you actually have to do some things differently. That always sucks. It will mean ratcheting down the effort, and therefore the outcomes, in some areas, but there are always areas where the effort is not worth it. What are these for you? Who or what brings out the perfectionist in you, and deep down are you really ok with that? You’ll get the cost immediately, in terms of worry, anxiety or simply the discomfort of change, but the payoffs - such as more time, rest, money, feedback or help - will be worth it.
Go easier on yourself, and everyone else.
Be flexible. It’ll be ok…
