Who is your Inner Critic?
Concepts such as inner critic, imposter syndrome, people-pleaser and so on are now commonly understood and discussed. From my perspective, that’s a really good thing, as they’re so universal that almost everybody (at least if they’re somewhat healthy), can identify with them to some extent.
However, there is another layer of understanding available, if we’re willing to explore our own personal relationship to these concepts.
Basically, it’s worth finding out: Who is MY inner critic, and what’s their deal?
In my experience of coaching, in order to genuinely change a pattern - such as the endless wittering of an inner critic - we need three things:
A belief that this change is possible for us
An awareness of what’s actually happening in our system
A willingness to engage with feelings that we may have organised our life around trying to avoid
So firstly, we’d need to believe that it’s possible to change our relationship with our inner critic. Without this, there’s no point in even trying.
Once we have at least some watery little belief that maybe we can change, we’re now at point 2 - building awareness of what’s actually going on in our system. And this is where we need to get acquainted with our own critic, as if they were an actual person that we were trying to get to know.
How do you do that?
Well, firstly, it involves getting out of your head. By now, we all get the concept of a critic, but a concept won’t create change. If intellectual understanding was all it took we’d all be sorted, and I’d be out of a job.
Instead, the place to start is the body. To do this, you’d first need to establish some connection with your critical voice. If it’s currently chiming in, then that’s enough. Otherwise, you could try to tune in to the feelings you have when your critic is activated. Maybe provoke it a little by reminding it of a typo you made in an email years ago…
Once you feel some connection, simply try to identify any sensations you have in the body when the critic pipes up. Are there any feelings of tension, pressure, heaviness etc., and if so, where do you feel them? Try to focus on the sensation, without trying to fix it. Just observe.
Once a connection is established, try asking some questions - as if your critic were a (very judgemental) person sitting opposite you, and see what you hear in response, at an intuitive level. Some important questions would be:
What job are you trying to do for me?
When did you arrive in my life?
What are you afraid would happen to me if you stopped doing this job?
Are you tired of the job you’re doing?
Questions such as these are based on the IFS model, a gentle, meditative approach to understanding what’s happening in our system, and hearing out the various parts of ourselves - including the part of us that’s critical.
While the concept of an inner critic may well be universal, what’s surprising is how unique and personal the responses to these questions will be. In doing this exercise myself, I realised when directed at myself, my inner critic’s “job” is to protect me from the judgement or rejection of others - something which dogged me throughout my early life.
The equation is simple. My inner critic, if it could speak, would say:
“My job is to coerce you into action. That way you’ll perform/present yourself well enough to avoid judgement. I’ll say whatever it takes - no matter how harsh. I’ll basically bully you into safety. You’re welcome.”
When I look at it that way, it makes sense, in a very basic way. Do I want or need this particular strategy anymore? Nope. Am I tired of it? YES. Do I now get where it comes from? Absolutely.
The other point to note is that it’s quite likely that this same inner critic can turn outwards, and trash others just as harshly too. I realised that when my inner critic attacks others, it’s when I feel under threat, and am either hurting, or afraid of being hurt. In those circumstances, the critical voice lays into whoever I feel threatened by, and I realised, when I asked the above question, that its “job” in this instance is to devalue others. Ouch.
Again, the origin for this comes from long ago, way back as a powerless child. If I was really afraid of someone, or couldn’t stand up for myself, I could at least internally devalue that person, so that their opinion of me was worth less. Again, there’s a logic to that. Give that enough time and repetition, and a well-worn path will form, with tiresome habit energy that exhausts even me when I have to listen to it now.
I’m very conscious that this voice in me is old. Naturally, I’m not in this state anymore (thankfully), so I don’t really need this level of judgment from an inner voice. However, without some genuine understanding of this part of me, and even (weird as it sounds) some appreciation for its very outdated approach to keeping me safe, it’s not going to change.
In mapping these voices with clients, we’ve discovered unique patterns in each person, based on their singular experience, that fuel their inner critic. It could be a sense of having been a “difficult” child who now needs to atone. It could be some nagging sense of worthlessness - perhaps the internalised voice of a critical parent - trapping us in a relentless cycle of feeling we need to prove ourselves, with goading from a harsh inner voice. We could even have absorbed cultural, gendered or racial messages of inferiority that now express themselves through a harsh & vigilant inner voice, directing our actions in an effort to avoid judgment or punishment.
When we look at this this way, our critic makes sense, or at the very least, it probably once did. As adults, we really don’t need this pitch of criticism, and most of us recognise the unhealthy, compulsive edge to this inner voice. Indeed, that’s how I’d distinguish healthy discernment from an inner critic. The language of our critic tends to be harsh, repetitive, and compulsive. If you’re ever not sure, ask yourself if you'd say that sentence out loud to someone else. If not, you’re probably dealing with your critic.
So while I’m not saying to believe your inner critic, I am saying get to know it. The language of IFS treats a critic as simply a part of us - a voice that kicks off when we’re feeling insecure. It’s not really our true nature, or deep self. It’s more like an immature part of ourselves, trapped in an old role, and as such, it can be listened to, understood and befriended, which has some hope of soothing it. As you’ve probably experienced, trying to silence it doesn’t work.
Instead, try listening to it. Treat it as more than just an inner jerk that needs to be silenced. See what else it has to say, aside from snide comments about your physique or intelligence. You might be surprised by what you learn.
