Bring your Worst Self to coaching
As I write this it’s January. A time when we’re supposed to forge a triumphant new personality from the fiery ore of pure willpower…
Forget that.
When you come to coaching, I would encourage you to bring your sh*tiest self.
Why?
Because that’s the one we need to work on.
A lot of coaching language focuses on becoming your “best self”, and the purpose of the process truly is to empower you to operate from there.
However, your best self is ok. It doesn’t need a whole lot outside of some recognition and encouragement. I like to think that way, way deep down there is a core in each one of us that knows our own worth. But that’s not the part that holds us back. The part that needs work is the one that procrastinates, avoids, or is riddled with anxiety. Our worst self is the bouncer at the door, blocking our growth out of fear and insecurity.
One of my favourite quotes about growth is that “the only way through is through”. The only way to transcend what holds us back is to look directly at it, accept it, and work through it.
And that means meeting our most problematic parts.
It’s tempting to put your best foot forward in coaching - to put a positive spin on things, to have a little swagger... And while this is often appropriate and even necessary in day-to-day life, coaching gives you the opportunity to bring your honest issues, unlovely as they might be to you.
When we express emotions that have well-worn tracks in us - irritation, frustration, people-pleasing, whatever it is - with a coach or therapist, it lets them experience how this genuinely manifests for us in real life, outside of the safety of a session. It’s one thing to describe a pattern we have, but when it takes hold it’s clear to see.
One of my tendencies is to want to rationalise behaviour - my own or others’ - which, while useful, can also be an effective way to bypass feeling the feelings involved. Having this pointed out (over and over…) by those with the perception to see it has helped me to observe this pattern more clearly, and to find ways to do the necessary work of processing emotions. With greater awareness, facilitated by others, I can catch myself doing this, at least some of the time, and try to interrupt this routine.
The same with whatever you struggle with. If you have a low trigger point for anger, then an episode of frustration in a coaching session could be illuminating for your coach. Same for tendencies towards judgement, self-reproach, saving face… whatever it is that you struggle with in real life - if your genuine struggles arise in your coaching session that can only help.
I know I’m getting somewhere when clients share stories in which they don’t come off too well. The common pattern in how people bring this is “I don’t know why I do this. It’s so stupid…”
I can tell you for sure:
We can find out why you do it and
I bet it’s not stupid
Tracing the root of behaviours you find problematic almost always points back to a legitimate experience in the past. That’s not to excuse or minimize the impact on ourselves or others in the present, but one of my deepest beliefs from coaching is that everything makes sense, if we just take the time to find out.
If we have a tendency to people please, it could well be that we have an unconscious pattern of doing this since childhood, when it may legitimately have been the only way to gain approval from a parent. Likewise, anxiety around authority could stem from an intimidating presence in our past, back when we really had no agency. These experiences retune our nervous system, leading to deeply rooted automatic behaviours that take time and effort to understand and soften.
We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.
— Carl Jung
Once we take the time to interrogate our experience with genuine acceptance and curiosity, we can gain insight into our patterns today, and give ourselves a real shot at updating some old strategies that we no longer need.
The first step in all of this is having the courage to share honestly how we are functioning in the world today. Then, we have the chance to pull at that thread until we find its origin. This of course requires some humility, vulnerability, and openness, but above all else, it requires safety in return. Nobody should be expected to share anything vulnerable unless they feel certain they’ll be met with respect and understanding, and I wouldn’t encourage anyone to do so if that’s not the case. If your coach has your back and you know it, I’d encourage you to risk sharing some shade with them. If you knew how much they admire that courage, you’d do it much more easily.
The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable, but our wholeness—even our wholeheartedness—actually depends on the integration of all of our experiences, including the falls.
— brene brown
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